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Oct. 31st, 2011

Crows

(no subject)

 "Life is just a series of moments, pasted one onto the next
  Some moments last only for the blink of an eye
  Whilst others might seem to stretch out for a million heartbeats"


I don't know how to "be" right now. I feel very confused. Looking back on my life so far, there are times of great joy, for which I am really grateful, but also it seems like I am eternally searching. I continue to make so many mistakes...
.... I don't feel like I know my own mind and the opinions and influence of others buffet my thoughts and decisions like a breeze...

I feel very detached, and although on the surface I am doing quite well for myself, inside I feel there is something wrong.
I can't "see" my future. I can't feel for other people as I used to. I'm not as reckless, and open as before,  I am cautious, very cautious.
I have hurt someone so badly, hurt them irreparably, and still when he comes back, I can't feel anything for him.

Have I become soulless? How is it that I can't feel? I feel like I am a deceitful person. I thought I was so empathetic and compassionate, and generous, but now I just feel like I am selfish, self-centered, insincere, and I only do things when I have some benefit in it.

I want to be loved, I want to have a good life, I want to just "BE" but I've been so afraid, so fearful that it's become like a self-fulfilling prophecy. All my worst, most shameful nightmares are coming true.
I've done things, thought things, and said things that I thought would NEVER, EVER HAPPEN!!! Things that are completely against my personal moral code, and it just keeps getting worse...

"What do you do when the villain in your fairy tale... is you?"


I want connection, I want community, I want mentors, supporters, friends, soul friends, or even just someone to listen and accept me, and tell me the cold, hard truth, and then what I can do to move forward...

I feel so lost, I feel so numb, and confused. I feel a bit of despair... I feel guilt...

I feel wrong.

Jul. 28th, 2010

Crows

Calmblueoceancalmblueoceancalmblueocean!!!!

*tries desperately not to seep this post in depressed, aimless ramblings*

I don't know what to do

No idea (and I have to do without full stops because I spilt 饺子汤on the keyboard aaages ago *fail*)

What is it with this F****!!!ing living between countries????!!!!!!

I fall in love, and then my stu~~~pid conscience has to kick in! (Where were you at the beginning when I hadn't fallen so hard???? Welll?????? *GROWLSSS*)

Oh, and THENNNN!!! to provide me with someone who I have wanted for what seems like an eternity (but never allowed myself to admit it)  and have him want me,,,,,,,, =_=


--------------------< WTF?????!!!!!!!<--------------------------

I HATE THISS!!!!!!!!!!!

Best (worst whatever, i don't know the difference anymore) case scenario is that I get turned down, and hopefully not lose a friend, and then I can be alone,,,,,,alone,,,,,, once again,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Then I won't hurt anyone

All I want to do is love someone and have someone love me in return, and to spend time enjoying life with that person, and to be a successful human being at the same time! I don't ask for more money than is necessary, just enough to be comfortable, and to achieve my goals,
These things are not difficult or asking too much of the universe are they?

Then,,,,,, why are you tearing me apart?????????

Help,,,,,,,,,me,,,,,,,,,,,,,

________________________________________________________________________


Anyway, enough of that for the moment

How wonderful would it be to visit Gwen chan and my Bavarian Mammy?
I have the time, and the money, and, and,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I NEED HUUUUUUUUUUU~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *takes a breath* UuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuGuuuuUUUUUUhhhhsSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (that was hugs in case it was too distorted XD)

Take what you want from life

I choose to take happiness

I wonder if I'll develop a multiple personality disorder because of these abrupt mood swings? XDDD

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPYYY (RESOLUTELY) HAPPPPYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jan. 29th, 2010

Crows

When you hit rock bottom... the only way is up... right?

 
I can't even bring myself to write this in a coherent way... I feel so sick. This is not me,... but it is... I know it is but, I don't even know who I am anymore.

I am shapeless and formless, with no morals, and a distorted view of wrong and right.

I have no one, and it is all my own fault.

I had people praise me, respect me, and show me the greatest kindness imaginable, and just because I couldn't see what they saw... I had to go out of my way to prove them wrong.

Like a train hurtling over the abyss of a sprawling canyon, or the moment just before a child innocently kills his first living creature, and learns what death is...  the universe holds it's breath.

I do not understand myself. My thoughts are not of self hatred, but of pure awe and repulsion of my inability to differenciate between what is harmful for myself and others, and what is good.

I follow compulsions instead of thought, and gravitate towards those who would look to take advantage of me.
My place is not here... I had no business trying to do this. The longer I stay, the more I plow deeper into the dark parts of me. The most terrifying part is that the dark and light are combined in such a way that they both look the same, and they are both... me...

One of the worst things about this is... I don't know what my value is. Furthermore, I don't know what love is. Once I think I have found it, an instant later it becomes marred, and deformed until it is nothing but a blotch on my memory, and a reminder of how far I have sunk.
I can't know love because all I know is "need". I don't know this slow burning pure thing called love, I only know a frenzy, a leaping, like my skeleton wants to rip through my very flesh with desire for something that will ultimately destroy me.

So this is my voyage of discovery,... and I've finally been proven right. All those kind people who saw something in me, well they are now wrong, and I can now stop pondering what it is they think they see, and why I can't see it. It is because it never existed. Because of my actions, or inaction, I have made myself the person I am now. I was never an angelic being, even from childhood I was a terror, but now I am just what I am supposed to be. I am almost nothing. A shade, a shadow, a forgotten indistinct shape in someone's peripheral vision.
I am to be whispered about, to be judged, to be felt embarrassed about.

I can't even bring myself to cry tears of frustration, or vent,... or even hate. It seems everything came to me to show up my true nature.

So I'm waiting for the up... but I feel there is more to come. I have not yet been hurled from my passive, self-loathing state by a horrific occurence... so at least I have that to look forward to.

Jan. 3rd, 2010

Crows

What's going on with me?

 ...I think I need to take up running or something. Some kind of strenuous physical activity to prevent me from... well,... engaging in other "strenuous activities" lmao!

I am surrounded on all sides by male friends who are all handsome, generous, kind, and all want to take care of me ^,^" It is... well the only word I can think of is, it is distracting.
It started on New Year's Eve when I brought my friends for a drink in a foreign bar (1 of only 2 foreign bars in ZZ). We were having a good time talking and making jokes and then Mr. King thought it would be a great idea to play "rock, paper, scissors".
Yeah, pretty harmless, but with the added forfeit that if you and one other person have the same sign, then you have to kiss one another on the cheek.

I know, you're thinking "anti-climax much? That's not a big deal"
... well we started to play and of couuurrrrsee I was the first one to get caught out... with Xiao Huang. ~omgs~ XJBUBUWBDIWBUWBWUWBWBWUUNAAAAAAAANYAAAAAAAaaaaa~
Let me explain:
Xiao Huang-21 year old chinese boy with a lovely face, great cooking skills, and the appearance of being painfully shy only around me. Also he has the sweetest smile and a heart of gold. He makes jokes a lot (they are translated to me, since he can't/won't speak English) but sometimes he looks so deep in thought that I feel there is a lot more going on in that mind of his...

Anyway, we kissed each other's cheek. Him first, then me. So, the game started again... and AGAIN we got the same. Typical! This time he said he wanted me to kiss the other cheek, he wanted to get both *gulps*... and then laughed when I said I couldn't remember which one I kissed *hazy and befuzzled mind*. So anyway we kissed again and I went so red and felt so shy, that I couldn't look him in the eye for the rest of the night without blushing (really difficult since he was sitting directly opposite :P).

Ok so.... the thing that made me Faaaaaiiiiiiiillllllllll:
Xiao huang, Sky and Mr. King kept on getting each other (note: there were 3 other girls there, one of whom was Mr. King's gf.... just in case I gave the idea that I make it a habit to entertain young men without a chaperone *shy giggle* Oh the impropriety! lolz!)

They were kissing on the cheek and then making jokes by pretending to make out, and it was all really funny... until I saw something that made my heart stop. O_O!
Sky kissed Xiao Huang on the cheek, turned to look at us, and then... Xiao Huang turned and licked him
*slowwww~motion* Xiao huang (sweet, stoic, and gentle-presumed innocent boy) leaning over and slowwwwly his tongue comes out and licks from the place where Sky's neck meets his jawbone...  *inner fangirl squealllll~* That image (or something like a 2 second .gif) is burned into my mind forever. Followed by Xiao Huang's huge, cheeky smile afterwards. Oh~~~ These guys are going to be the death of me... 'le petit mort" if you catch my drift (~^) lol!

Another thing that makes me desire (I shouldn't use THAT word! >_<) strenuous activity of the sporty persuasion:
I have a friend called "Lang" or 狼. I met him though my great friend Huazi. They are both from Tibet. Every free evening I had when I first came to China, I went to Lang's restaurant with Huazi. We talked outside and had food because the weather was so warm and they had drink (me politely raising the glass), and once Lang gave me a really beautiful Tibetan necklace with an agate stone..... but since Huazi moved to Gongyi I hadn't seen Lang. Then out of the blue, 2 weeks ago he invited me to his restaurant for a meal, so I went on my own. It was nice, and even though we couldn't communicate clearly we found ways to get ideas across, by writing and drawing pictures, and guessing... usually correctly.

...Then... it started... First, he would lightly put his hand close to the small of my back to lead me somewhere. Then when we were talking he looked at my hand and compared his to mine, and then taking my hand in his, he pointed out my freckles. When he saw the one on my palm he used his thumb to rub it gently.... *purrrrrrr* my face flushed and I couldn't draw my hand back until he let it go (I have strange weakness for men caressing my hand >_> *cough*... only one other person in this world knows what I am referring to).
So I saw him 3 more times after that and he kept on checking if I was cold and wanted to warm my hand between his, once letting our arms drop, but not letting go straight away, just letting them gently part (brushing his fingers against mine) as our arms fell down to our sides.

Last night I put new earrings in my ears and he leaned forward, pushed back my hair behind my ear and then let his fingertips run down to cup my earlobe (Ahhhhhhh!!!!) and when I mentioned I had a nose stud in the past he cupped my face in one hand and moved even closer.
... Oh dear!
Mayyyybe he is doing this because he feels comfortable around me, but even if it means nothing to him to do these things... it has quite a significant effect on me.
It's strange because if I think logically he is not really my type. He is just about my height (yes really short) with dark skin, and also one of his eyes (his right one) has a white spot in it. Maybe it is a cataract or it was injured somehow... I don't know, but it makes him intriguing and I really want to know how that happened. It makes him a mystery.
However he, like many chinese men,  smokes, litters (annoying!), and spits (yuck! Even some of the girls do that). He has a nice smile though... and there is something there, like a feeling of masculinity, something that draws me to him when he is around. He told me he was 23, and I could not believe it. He looks and feels so much more mature than that. Perhaps, it IS because he is the first physical contact I've had with a guy since I broke up with my ex, but it's so strong, it's a bit uncomfortable at times. It's mindless, and a bit... feral :P or about as feral as I could possibly be, me being the person I am, with this conscience that I have.

I don't like having this need. It clouds my mind, and makes me consider things that are either impossible, impractical, or quite improbable. Both paths, well I have an idea of what would happen if I did that. It would be the same as what happened in October. I would lose a little bit of myself. I don't know what I want....

Oh I've started reading the cards again. I read for Xiao huang last night, and he wanted to know about his future relationship (he has never had a girlfriend). After I got the result he asked me to say whether or not he was a virgin hahaha! Just to check if the cards worked. I was partly amused, partly annoyed and also a bit intrigued. While talking with him and Wang bo I shuffled absentmindedly.... then I chose and looked down. I got the moon card, with the image of Diana the virgin huntress hahaha! He said I was right.... but I wonder... Well before he said that he was so embarrassed to look at the cards with their classical naked women on them, so maybe.... but he didn't STOP looking, and he DID move the card to get a closer look.... HAHAHAHA!!!! How intriguing...

(Note; I was going to mark my mood as "horny" HAHAHA! but the little animal didn't convey my mood as accurately lol)

Nov. 7th, 2009

Crows

"May those who love us, love us..."



 "May those who love us, love us
And those that don't love us, may God turn their hearts; And if He doesn't turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping."  XD
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Nov. 6th, 2009

Crows

Tell me please... is this being condescending... or is it just me??? >_>

Ok sorry this is long, but......ahhhhhhh I am so annoyed right now! Who is he? Like, a god? So high and mighty that he can lecture me on how I "should" feel? I am not sad now or in pain... I'm just royally pissed off! It's actually quite therapeutic.

[12:00] Marco: You are still sick ?
[12:01] Danniya: Yes. I went to the hospital on Wednesday, then yesterday I was very bad, but today I don't feel so bad, but I can't talk properly yet.
[12:02] Danniya: I don't have a temperature though, so I'm not too worried
[12:02] Marco: i hope is not my fault
[12:03] Danniya: You didn't make the weather cold here :P
[12:04] Marco: yes i know
[12:06] Danniya: I probably should have bought warmer clothes earlier, and maybe ate more, drank more water, and slept more, but the weather got cold really fast, so I got sick fast.
[12:06] Danniya: I'll get better quickly too.
[12:07] Danniya: ...well if chinese medicine works. So far, it just tastes disgusting
[12:10] Marco: yes you should

[12:12] Marco: I know that your lost and feel alone
[12:12] Marco: But you have a lot of friend
[12:12] Marco: don t forget about it
[12:13] Marco: all your friend around you will help you
[12:13] Marco: I can feel it
[12:14] Danniya: I don't feel alone.
[12:14] Marco: I also know that you still have some feeling for me
[12:14] Marco: But you should not really
[12:14] Marco: I am sure that you will found someone
[12:15] Marco: because you have a lot of experience and with the time someone will come with you
[12:18] Marco: I am sure you have a pain 
[12:18] Danniya: You are sure?
[12:18] Marco: yes
[12:18] Marco: But i can tell you something
[12:18] Marco: Open your Eyes and live
[12:20] Danniya: I can tell you something. I already went through all the pain before this, so I was just confused for a bit. I am living, and I've made some very good friends here. So far I've had a good time here, and the only bad parts was missing home.
[12:23] Marco: i am not so sure about it
[12:23] Danniya: So sure about me not feeling pain?
[12:24] Marco: yes
[12:24] Danniya: Do you want me to feel pain?
[12:24] Marco: no
[12:24] Marco: What i want
[12:24] Marco: is
[12:24] Marco: live
[12:25] Marco: you know many things
[12:25] Marco: You should continue and go straith
[12:25] Danniya: I don't feel pain. I know a lot yes. Most importantly, I know myself
[12:26] Marco: Good
[12:26] Marco: But you really should be happy
[12:26] Danniya: Yeah I think I should be too.

Hahaha! I think this is priceless!  Maybe I'm not over him fully but it was only 4 days ago! Some people can't shut their emotions on and off like a robot. He has such a fucking superiority complex, I can't believe I overlooked it in the past! I guess you just accept things in people that you want to be with. By trying to be nice and "supportive" he just ended up coming across (to me at least) as a bit of a dick.
Maybe a lot of this is defensiveness on both our parts, but he treats everyone around him like they are simpleton children and only he knows the "right" way to live or feel, or not feel in this case.
Fuck sake! I don't usually curse but GOD!!!!! >_< GRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! He is just FAKING at life! He can pretend all he wants but it's going to come along and bite him in the butt someday.

Well I wash my hands of this. I will make him regret it forever by letting it go very easily and having the greatest time of my life. He will never find a girl like me again. I am going to be successful and happy, and I will easily find love again, since I am not such an emotionally stunted individual.

[Post-note: That last bit was harsh. I just want him to wake up to himself and stop living his life in the shadow of past mistakes, and hurt. He is a good person, but I am glad I can deal with things in the normal way, with emotions. That way I can move on completely. I hope he learns to do this in his own way. I really do.]

Oct. 9th, 2009

Crows

Being honest doesn't mean telling people everything

 
I found a site called: gapingvoid.com and I just loved it.

I read an extract of the guy's book and it is really insightful. The part about having pillars.
I'll explain.
For a lot of us, we have this idea that to "make art" we need lots of equipment and props, the right style, the right "artsy" clothes, and to "be a creative person".

Well actually we already are creative people. It is inherent in our nature to create.

So many hobbies have been started getting all the right clothes, all the best equipment, only for it to pile up and collect dust in the back of the wardrobe for years after the interest has passed.

Like dancing and ballet. You need the right hairstyle, the right shoes, the perfect tutu, the best physique. For music you need the best guitar, with the coolest body and perfect wood for the neck, custom made, etc, etc.

That's rubbish. It may make you feel better to have the best things, but they are not necessary to the experience of creation.

If you want to dance, dance! If you want to sing, sing!

Also I want to apply this to another area. If you want to love, love!

Sometimes I've had the feeling that there would be a moment, one so perfect that I'd instantly be this new being. I would be beautiful and smart and clever, and Worthy of love. Finally! But how do I know that I am not all those things already? Because I think I'm not? Maybe I think I haven't reached the unattainable plateau but for some people, I am beautiful, or I am smart, and I am worthy of love. Already! Right now, just as I am. The only thing that was in the way was a notion of comparison. Am I smarter than someone else. Maybe? Am I uglier than the person next to me? Maybe, but it's irrelevant. There's just me, there's just you, there's just them, there's just us. We are who we are, and in our unique nature we all can be the best.

Now I realise that everyone is (from the moment they are born) deserving of love. They deserve to have someone with them, or even to just have friends to care about them, and do nice things for no reason other than friendship.

When I write I am waiting for a moment when I get a surge of genius that flows from me and my writing finally is perfect. I don't believe in that anymore. Maybe my writing will only be read by a handful of people, and some of it won't be understood completely, but who cares?

There was an emphasis in my mind that writing needs to be read by other people, or commented on, and accepted to have any real value. I suppose in a world where media, books, films, songs, etc. are all thrown forward with the title "best seller", or an actor who is "award-winning" the common, everyday writer thinks they have to strive for that. Commercial recognition and some kind of quantifiable gauge of progress is what we are pushed to believe is the goal. But for the true artiste, this is not the case. It may be a desire, but it is usually a distraction and sometimes an aid (money), to the creation of their art.
My question is, why do people want to be famous? For recognition, for an ego boost, or validation that they are better than people in the same field? Yes, competition and money, and sex, and vanity, and self-esteem.

My writing is a small bit erratic at the moment. That could be from a lack of discipline, or just the unrestrained flow of thoughts at the moment. Either way, I am glad because I can write almost exactly what I think. I have just created this bit of writing. These are my thoughts, and my observations.
Maybe many people over the years have thought the exact same things but never wrote them down...

I always wonder about that. Or letters never received, books and art works destroyed like in the Bonfire of the Vanities. Thinking over all these things, I feel...
We don't create something to have it exist forever, well many do as a plea to posterity, but it's just an illusion. Immortality is just product of human fiction. With this thought in mind I am happy that I can write in this moment, and the idea that not many people will read this seems less important. Nothing lasts forever, so we should live for now, in the best way we can. Dance for now, sing for now, learn, create, talk, think and do, for just this moment. Maybe in this moment we feel shame, fear, anger, guilt, but we just have to remember, nothing lasts forever.





Sep. 25th, 2009

Crows

New friends and party

 

I'm not really sure how I do it, but it seems like I attract/or am attracted by some of the most unique individuals.

All the friends I've met independently (I mean not through family or other friends really), the ones that decide to be my friends because...I guess because they like me... for me.
Well these friends turn out to be amazing individuals in their own right. I sometimes have to reflect back on how blessed I am to meet these people, and to be considered their friend.

It's happened to me again haha *shakes head in slight disbelief*

It started with a head massage XD
Just a simple trip to the hair dressers (ok it was at midnight XP) and then I met HIM or THEM... well Them.

I was talking with the guy who was washing my hair. His English was good and he seemed so nice. Coupled with the fact that he was massaging my ears in a way that almost made me purr, well I felt really comfortable around him.

Then another guy dried my hair. The first was handsome, with such a happy, friendly face, the second... he is like... he is almost beautiful...

The first guy (the kindest man ever) Wang Bo (Wilbur) asked for my QQ (like MSN) and email and gave me his number before I left.
The second man is called Peng Hai, or Sky is his English name.
So that was a nice night...

...but then I got texts from Wilbur every day when I was in Luoyang, so by Wednesday when I got back to ZZ I felt like I really wanted to see them again.

When I got there I met Wil's sister, the owner of the shop. Straight away I liked her. She told me she has two children, a boy and a girl, but of course she didn't look like it at all.
Wil and his sister brought me for dinner, which was delicious and then we went back to the shop. She told me that she likes me a lot and apparently I am not like other foreigners who are apparently loud, whereas I am quiet and polite ^^ I met Wil's best friend who is from Tibet. When this guy smiles he looks just like Li Lianjie, or Jet Li :D and a few of their other friends and employees.

In the shop it was so funny because anywhere I sat, it seemed like everyone else gravitated around me, even when customers were there. That was a strange feeling... 6 guys (5 of whom looked like Jrockers *melts*) and 3 really cute girls surrounding me. They even did my hair with cute plaits.

After they closed the shop, Wil's sister suggested that I could stay at Wil's place. They even asked another girl to come along so I wouldn't feel strange surrounded by boys haha. The gates to my apartment close at 12 anyway so I went.

They had so many great things from Tibet, and one of the flatmates (called Dali a huge guy whose name means "big" "strong") was an artist or leather carver. Yes the further irony of "Dali" is not lost on me XDDD His bags and wallets were amazing. I might get a bag.

I slept in a room with a huge sofa bed and had a good night's sleep,... but then in the morning I went in the sitting room and I saw... 2 guys sleeping on couches and one guy on the floor. *Shot of guilt!* They let me have the room *tears up* Well I AM a girl haha!

We took the bus to the shop and then I watched them do their morning routine. They lined up in a military formation (I wish I had a picture! 4 guys with amazingly styled hair, fronted by my adorable new big brother [Wil said I could call him that^^] singing, and shouting slogans XD) then at the end they had a push up competition XDD right on the street! 3 of them dropped out pretty quickly so it was just Wilbur and Peng Hai. Wil is strong looking whereas Peng Hai is more slender, but Mr. Sky won in the end.

Then me and Wilbur went for breakfast. At first the others were with us, but then they decided to go somewhere else.
At about 10:30 I realised I had to get back to prepare for my afternoon classes. Wilbur brought me back on his bike and he got to meet Amigo.
When he was talking with Amigo I kind of subtly watched him and he just looks like such a relaxed person. Such a friendly face. 

I kind of have to be very careful. I won't do anything, I am positive I won't.... but thinking is dangerous too.

Oh the birthday party! LOL! Well it's Ania's birthday party today so I'll probably go to see them again and get my hair done. I will insist on paying since they are a new business and I want to support them. We're going to have Cantonese and then go to a pub. It's going to be a lot of fun ^^

Sep. 19th, 2009

Crows

Life is incredible.. (will I be saying this in 2 days??? O_O)

 
Hi hi!!!! (Gwen chan I missed you!!!! Bavamama miss you always!)

So first of all:

Outori-the sky in Norway, the "normal" sky photo was incredible! Also the photo of the cuddly teddies... I'm still picking pieces of myself off the floor after that one (see: Comment)

Without further Apu (Oh! I've been zinged and I love it! XD Simpsons reference, couldn't help myself heehee ^^) The reasons my life is incredible:

Last night I stayed at a spa and it was... bliss...
It's called Paradise Hotsprings Spa.

It was so great! I went with my Polish friend Ania, two of her friends and her chinese teacher. First we had dinner (delicious!) then went in the hot water, with saunas (hot and cold[???]), medicine baths, a pool with little fish that eat off your dead skin (weird and ticklish, but surprisingly effective) and jacuzzis everywhere!

It was so relaxing...

Me and Xie xiao mei decided to stay overnight at the spa so after Ania and her friends left we stayed talking in the pool until 12:45am. It was that nice! She taught me a lot of Chinese, and her English was just enough so we could understand each other.

We had showers, got into PJs and then went to lie on luxuriously soft recliner seats/beds  and watched our own personal T.V. It didn't take long for me to pass out. I had the most restful sleep ever!
        The next morning (today) we had a buffet breakfast. I had veggies, fried stick, a filled bun, potato noodles with eggs, a spring roll and a sesame thing like mochi. 很好吃!

After that we went to see the "Sea Elephants". They were HUGE!!!! They're fish like maybe 3 metres long!!!! They kept them in a big big pool near the swimming pool. I don't like to see animals, fish, birds, etc. in captivity but these guys are treated like kings compared to the others here in China. Every time I see people selling animals on the street (puppies in cages, looking so frightened by all the noise with just enough space to look around) I start to cry. There's been a few times Amigo had to pull me away because I was kind of causing a scene. I just hate it!!!!
I talked with Ania about it as a fellow teacher and foreigner. She said we can't do anything now but we can educate our students so it doesn't keep happening. She's great, and so right.

When we left the spa to return to reality *pouts* I got the bus with Xiao mei to where I live and then we found the bus she could take home. Then I went to have a meeting with my boss.

Here's where the incredible comes in:

I'm going to summarize-

1. When I told him I went to the spa he said I could have his gold members card so I'll only pay 68 元 (€6.80) whereas last night I paid 100 元 (€10). I know it's not huge but a discount is a discount ^^

2. He wants me to work 6 extra hours in the university in Luoyang (I teach between Luoyang and zhengzhou). I was a bit iffy about that but then he offered me a raise of €300!!!!!! *Nods frantically YES!!!*

3. I made my case that it is very lonely for me in Luoyang and I can't travel a lot by myself. Then my boss said that he was going to Longmen Grotto (humungous Buddha statues) and a special show of the Shaolin Monks with a man called Mike Murphy next weekend and that I can come along too. Hmmmm.... who is this Mr. Murphy?....  oh he's only The!! PRESIDENT OF U.C.C.!!!!!!!
Masters program inquiries here I come *shhhhhhaaaaawinnnggggg*!!!!!!!!!

4. I said I want to travel a lot but it's a bit difficult with my schedule so he said if I do 1 full day in zz then I can have a free day the next week and I can travel a lot. My reply was that I'd like to go to Beijing but I don't know anywhere to stay.
His reply: "I'll let you borrow the key to my Beijing apartment"     Me: *stunned silence*....Wow........谢谢.... *is in shock*

So know I've got to prepare 3 extra lessons plans, but that's okay I guess.

The sky is looking... I was going to say brighter, but no it's still looking polluted lol.

My life is looking brighter. Yes.... it is.

Sep. 5th, 2009

Crows

We're all alone now, give me something to sing about...


Rock and roll baby...

I got a haircut last night, and it was... amazzzzzzing!

Haha! I hear a voice in my head saying: "Sheesh! China must be really boring if you can get so pumped about a haircut" XD

Yeah actually I find myself getting extreme happiness from the simplest things these days. Like finishing my first entire bowl of rice since I got here (Yes! *pumps the air*) XDDDD

This haircut however, hmmmm *zones out for a second*, yeah it turns out that there is a B.I.G. difference between Irish and Chinese hairstylists that I didn't know before. Irish hairdressers are either women, or they are men who are A. Very talented or B. their shop doubles as a barber shop.

The Chinese however.....

O_O! Sorry zoned out again! Where was I? Oh! Yeah the hair stylists are,....... usually men.
Quite.... stylish,.... well-groomed,.... ridiculously handsome, beautiful handsandarmsandomgsarmveinsandcuteand *slaps self*

*cough* Yes well I got my hair cut like Paramore's Hayley Williams in the MV for 'Decode'.

Amigo came with me and after walking up and down the street about a million times deciding on which one to choose (simultaneously pissing off the workers who had the job of opening the door for clients XD) we chose one that looked the coolest, was nearest (so we could make their lives a living hell if they messed it up... kidding :P) and it was the cheapest (wash, cut and blowdry for 10 yuan-1 euro!!!).

I went in and the first thing I saw was... brown eyes, dyed auburn hair, arm veins... Wow! and the most beautiful hands... *drools* and this god of hands used them to wash MY hair they TOUCHED these hair follicles... *is melting at the memory*. He was so gentle, unlike Irish girls who make you feel like they are trying to rip your head from your shoulders XP

Then we waited for the Master of Hair (the owner of the salon). This guy took one look at the pictures I had brought and then spent 15 minutes creating... at the risk of sounding full of myself... one of the best damn haircuts ever(along with the one I got with Gwen nyann in Moosberg- Hiroto sama head XD). He was such a perfectionist!

Now not only do I look cuter and marginally cooler, I actually look more like a teacher. My long hair was making me look like a teenager, so it's a triple blessing ^^ Also the streaks I got stand out a lot more than before. I don't have a camera, but I have a picture which will give you an idea of what the end result was:

Decode - paramore

Something like this. Still red from Henna I put in before and two streaks from when my little bro dyed his hair purple, and I was bored so I joined in ^^

By the way, this girl's voice is incredible. There's one song I can't stop listening to and it's called "Crush crush crush". Also "I caught myself" is great.

So that's my news. Apologies for all the... fails :P

Jaaaaa neeeeeee........... <3

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